special, what!?

So, during the last few weeks, we had our 2 year old assessed for a possible issue with his speech.  We always knew he didn't 'use his words' quite as much as we'd like, and sometimes chose to whine instead of talk, but we weren't quite prepared for what the gals had to say when they were finished 'playing' with him that day.  After all, don't all 2-3 year olds whine sometimes?  So, when they were through playing - I heard, "blah blah, qualifies, blah blah, preschool, blah, ECSE, blah, speech therapist, blah".  Before they left, I understood that he 'qualified' for additional preschool because he was 'just under' the developmental norm in two of the four speech/expressive areas.  In my head I thought, "your kid flunked our test and has to go to school."  Okay.  That sucks enough in itself, but then again, that's why I had them come, right?  Why does it suck to know for sure what I knew myself before they came and told me?  Then, when they left, I'm so out of touch, that I actually looked up ECSE...yep, there it was, staring me in the face...Early Childhood Special Education.  Wha!?

*Now, I wrote a whole long blog about how I felt and what thoughts crossed my mind, but it's insanely lengthy and probably not at all politically correct.  So, I'll spare any readers that may have accidentally come to this site and are reading this.  I hope I didn't leave anything offensive in here...I'm new to this.  Jumping to the 'near' end...

The 'test-ladies' did mention the possibility that there can always be underlaying or additional issues.  As much as we want a guarantee that a little speech issue is all that's wrong and he'll be fine by the time he goes to school - they could never say that to us, even if it's most likely the case.  In the end, as much as we hope he'll be just fine - I have to trust that we'll all be okay...whether he grows out of it or if he requires therapy for years and years.  There's just no way to know what will happen.  I can imagine that this the same way millions of other parents have felt before and this is old news and old feelings to many.  Now, I know in my brain that our case is extremely mild in the world of special needs (we are grateful), and people might think bad of me for even having these thoughts or feelings about such a mild case.  People may think I'm crazy for thinking any of these thoughts about our 'special needs' 3 year old.  "It's nothing" or "Tons of kids need help to use language" - but, it is something when it's your child - no matter the severity.  In a year, maybe I'll think how ignorant I was today in writing/feeling this - but, does that make my feelings of the last week any less valid?  It's a little scary to think your child isn't 'normal' - and when we're scared, we do, say, and feel strange things that, in the end, didn't make much sense.  But like so many things, we just don't know until we've been there...there's no way to know and understand...everything is different and every situation is different...

In the meantime, I'm anxious for the 'school year' to begin for Will.  Both special ed preschool and mainstream preschool.  I'm grateful that there are special programs for Will to participate in and benefit from.  I hope he learns from all kinds of people and peers there.  I hope that seeing his classroom, meeting his teachers, seeing his progress (fingers crossed) - will put us at ease about his special ed.  It's hard, but I need to keep telling myself that special ed is a good thing...we're happy he gets to go...  I know it in my head, but it's still hard to accept.

Maybe we just needed a lesson from God on all of this...does everyone get a lesson like this?  They must, right?  I hope so.  and when I say that, I don't mean a lesson via the same circumstances...you know...just in general...any way He sees fit is fine!



"...and that's all I have to say about that."

random 'Jack'ed-up thoughts

This morning on the Today show one of the topics was parenting.  One of the guests said, "Today, parenting is a competitive sport" and I totally feel that way sometimes!  From breastfeeding to potty training.  Why does it gotta feel that way? 

Also, they talked about how stay at home-er's can love their kids and not love their lives.  Again, I can relate.  Not that I/we're unhappy all the time...it's just how it is sometimes.  It was nice to see people talking about it on national tv who get it. 

So, does this mean I'm normal!?  Nice.

perfection is not perfect

It has taken me this long to come to the conclusion that perfection is not perfect and that order does not always create a relaxation.  Nor does cleanliness or monetary income.  Maybe when I lived in a one bedroom apt by myself, it was close to being true...but not anymore, and not for a long time!  It took 4 years of being married and two little boys to force me into this realization...I wasn't going willingly.  It just happened.  Trying to create order in our house of boys is impossible if I truly want to do all of the things I want to do with the boys.  Too stressful and not worth it!  Finally, I'm learning to let go a little bit and have fun.  Keeping up with the Jones' sucks.  Not that I was ever really good at doing everything - it just bothered me that I couldn't do everything i believed that I should be.  Now, it's okay with me that I can't - and know that I won't.

In my opinion, being okay with not being perfect, is harder than striving to be perfect.

Wouldn't it be nice if you just instinctively knew how to live happily and didn't have to figure it out for yourself?

stay at home ________

Now, I love being a Stay at Home Mom (yes, it deserves to be capitalized).  The thing is, being a SAHM, also makes you a full-time, Stay at Home_______.  Yep, fill in the blank...whatever you want....it's all those things that I have an issue with!

june photos

                  

freedom fence

A couple months ago, my brother and fiance, dad, uncle, and husband built a fence around the yard.  Jason actually used a nail gun and a post hole digger, it was impressive.  Besides demolishing the sprinkler system hoses and wiring, and a little dog guard fencing issue, the fence is a total success.   We love our new freedom.  Freedom for Will, who gets to play outside much more than before - and freedom for me, who can now watch the baby or work in the yard without losing Will in that split second needed to look for the pacifier that just fell in the grass.  I'll get to be a little productive (or relax) and Will can get tuckered out for nap time.  I can't wait for more nice weather for meals on the deck where Jason and I can sit and relax while Will runs down the hill or 'bubble mows' the lawn - no more chasing him to the neighbors yard where he likes to pick all the yellow 'flowers' or to the front yard where the street is so tempting. 

Sounds great, huh?!

So, why aren't we outside right now?  Well, Mother Nature gave us clouds, wind and rain.  Who knows, I might just make us all get out there anyway...just because I can

RUFF RUFF

Over the last few weeks, Will started barking whenever Porter would bark. Today, the doorbell rang in Toy Story 2 on tv and Will started barking. Awesome.

mommy-motions are getting to me

Yesterday morning, my sister-in-law was induced with her second babe.  She went VBAC, so it was a little scary for everyone...but I'm sure it was really scary for her.  She's cautious by nature, so I figured there would be a crucial point at which fear/pain would cause her to re-evaluate the decision and force her to choose her route all over again, and in the moment.  From what I know, this happened, and she kept on.  Kudos for keeping on.  Brave, right?!  Now, there was a time, not too long ago, where none of this would have been a big deal to me.  But, yesterday for some reason, I found myself never letting my phone out of sight.  Waiting for updates and texting them like I've never texted before.  Looking back on the last 24 hours, I feel like my mother-in-law, who is fairly open about having been somewhat neurotic at times about checking up on everyone.  Do I actually understand her a little bit now!?  Are we nuts or is this mild insanity just 'mommy-motion' taking over us?  I mean, I felt like I desperately wanted to know what was going on and I am 300 miles away.  Ridiculous, right!?  She progressed slowly, so 'go time' came in the wee hours of morning today.  I'm kind of embarrassed to admit, but I had a hard time sleeping until I knew the whole ordeal was over.  Now, I knew that I cared about my sister-n-law, but geez, I couldn't sleep...I care more than I knew I did.  About 2.5 hours after 'go time', I got an update that the VBAC wasn't going to be a success.  Almost 24 hours in the hospital, hours of pushing, vacuums, etc - ending with another c-section.  I believe that all she wanted was to experience the somewhat natural path of childbirth and reap some of the benefits for her newborn...my sleepy heart actually sank a little when I heard she wouldn't be able to get what she'd hoped for.  I mean, you must really want it if you're willing to go that far, right?  But, when all was said and done, I think that mother, baby and dad were all doing just fine last I heard.  I actually felt relieved.  I'm proud of her for going the distance even if it didn't end how she'd hoped.  It's not often that I say I'm proud of someone...way to go, woman!  Thank God we're living in the time we do, that c-sections exist, and everyone is doing well. 

Now, why is this even a big deal for me?  Well, if you know me, you might know that I've been known to have a somewhat rough exterior.  I don't like to get too emotional or cry in front of anyone.  I don't like letting people know I care too much about anything personal.  I don't like it when I get the feeling that people are reaching out to find my soft side somewhere in there.  And for sure, I don't like asking for help and sometimes think that others shouldn't need the help they seek.  I suppose I'm an emotional introvert...is that possible?  "People do this stuff everyday," I'd say.  And they do.  But for some reason, I don't say that quite as much these days.  Is it hormones four months postpartum?  Is it simply that I'm finally growing up and feeling more empathy?  I think it's the mommy-motions; you know, the switch that God must flip in your brain when you become a mother and makes you see the world and people differently than you once had (aka: making you an emotional wimp! yeah, I'll admit it at this moment anyway).  Maybe it's a combo of everything, but man, whatever it is, it hit me hard this week. 

Some people reading this might be shocked (maybe you, mom...or not).  This is somewhat of a breakthrough/leap for me, simply admitting and writing it for the world to see.  Sometimes it's hard for me to be honest about it even if everyone else already knows, but this morning, I'm letting it flow.  Yep, somewhere inside me, I do care about people.  The Ice-Queen is slowly melting - one mushy experience after another...

PS - the baby girl was sunnyside up and weighed in at 9 pounds 10 ounces!  Nice baby-growing!

mommy-motions

Back in the day (not long ago, and still sometimes), I would never have asked for help.  Don't want to admit to even a moment of weakness or get emotional...pretty much ever.  But Tuesday got me.  It's been a mommy-motional week.  Yep, I had a mini breakdown.  Lets just say thank God my husband has the ability to work from home...

Jason left for work as usual.  I made breakfast for Will.  Nursed the baby.  Pumped the leftovers.  Then...it started...the whining, Mason crying and fighting sleep, the repetitive "I want ____'s" followed by a tantrum after every "no" response, the over full Pull-Up full of poop that skidded down Will's leg and all over the carpet, the barking dog, my stinking-not-showered-today arm pits and acne covered face...  Nothing out of the ordinary, but I just couldn't take it.  So, somehow, I allowed myself to pick up the phone and call my husband to ask him to come home before I locked the kids in their respective rooms for the remainder of the day.  Now, I'm happy for my moment of weakness and my new ability to ask for a little help.  It's funny now, but it wasn't on Tuesday.  Jason got home.  I got a shower and left the house to accomplish something from my checklist.

It felt good.
Thanks, Honey.

a new friend?! neato!

Why is it so hard to make a new friend?  It's just weird at first.  The whole remembering new names and then the small talk and finally the exchange of phone numbers - IF anyone is brave enough to bring it up.  Then, once that's over - someone has to actually use the number.  If that happens, then, schedules actually have to coordinate.  "Are the kids really sick?"  "Are errands really interfering?"  "They just don't see potential in us?"  I mean, all I want is someone who doesn't mind the dog, the mess, crying kids and who likes the occasional Oprah, or coffee, or walk to the park.  Hell, I'd settle for half of that list and a once-a-month walk to the park.  Not to discount any potential friendship, but at this point, I'd take just about anyone.  After moving twice in the last year and being at home all day everyday (grocery shopping or driving MN-SD has been my definition of 'outing' for the last year and friends!?  what friends!?), I'm getting sick of myself.  Today, on our walk (the boys and I), we met someone!  Wowee.  She even has that friend-ish potential.  I try not to get my hopes up, cause most of these initial meetings are not fruitful...but I can't help feeling a little giddy at the idea of a friend about my age, two toddlers (even if they are girls), who seems active and wasn't hesitant to cross the road to stop and say hi. Not to mention, she lives 2 doors down and is also a stay at home-er.  Now, I have also noticed several other moms at home playing outside during the day.  I'm bound to run into them sometime, however, I have noticed some seem scared - and I too, have done this.  You know, you see someone coming, who looks like you're on their agenda.  As they're about a half block away and you try to hurry inside while making it look as natural as possible to avoid the meeting for some dumb reason (like your bad hairday or lack of makeup).  Yes, I've done it - and am getting better at letting go of the ridiculousness.  So, I'm hoping to catch more 'friends' before they escape the initial meeting.  Maybe it's as simple as a wave, so they have to acknowledge your presence and intent to meet them before they escape!?  Yeah, I'll try the wave next time.  Like a net!  Ha!  I'll get 'em!  Until I've got a neighborhood buddy, I guess I'll get my butt out there and keep trying until I have a friend, damn it. 

Hmm - too aggressive?  scaring people off?  Well, I know sitting in my own yard hasn't worked.

"Hey Will, wanna go for a walk!?"

the doorbell rings

I hate it when the doorbell rings.  In the last 7 days, I have had 4 random doorbell ringers: 3 magazine subscription sellers and one city building inspector.  Sounds like it shouldn't be a big deal, and it shouldn't, but for some reason it causes several tiny moments of panic for me.  Here's how it goes down in our house when the doorbell rings:  First, it's the dog barking before the ring.  (Have you heard a beagle bark!?)  I try to get the dog to calm down, not knowing why he's barking.  Second, the actual DING DONG!  The baby starts to cry at this point because of the barking and the ring.  Then, Will is napping and wakes up crying (yes, all 3 magazine sellers came at 2:30-3:30-naptime).  Now, I look in the mirror on my way to the door - I have not showered in 2 days, no make-up, 4 new blemishes I just picked at, and a stained shirt and dirty sweatpants.  "God, I hope it's not a new neighbor wanting to meet us!"  Finally, while holding the crying baby Mason and trying to block the door so the whining 2 year old William doesn't escape, I open the door.  Porter, the beagle, barks and jumps as I explain that he's a nice dog and won't hurt whomever is standing on the porch...no, I haven't even looked to see WHO the visitor is.  Finally, they realize that they'd better spit out why they're here, cause I won't make it much longer.  They give the quick version...I have found that the chaos sometimes helps in their acceptance of my initial "No, I'm not interested.  Thanks for stopping"  which is nice - although still a whole uproar that I wish never happened.  My feeling overwhelmed does not stop there.  Once the visitor is gone, I shut the door, blocking out the cries as best as I can, I turn around and I see what the visitor saw - bummer...I look really bad...again.  Laundry from the day before piled on the couch, toys blanket the floor, the ironing board is out (had good intentions), snacks and sippy cups on the coffee tables and whatever else I had going on that day.  Then, I realize, they're gone...who cares!  That is until it happens again the next time.  Will I ever get my act together!?  I'm not sure.

the boys

Some photos of the boys having fun.  Clearly, you can tell the pre-haircut from the post-haircut pictures.  Haircuts are not a fun time at the Gross household.  Major chaos during haircuts.  But, we do have some fun in the Gross household.  It's not all chaos and messiness and stress - sometimes we have fun and relax - it's those moments when we feel like great parents.  I'll try to post more of that stuff soon!  It's just not as funny when things are going well!  Until next time...here's the latest fun stuff...             

the best feeling in the world

There are many moments that can give you the best feeling in the world.  Some of these moments happen at the culmination of a big event, like holding your baby for the first time or being announced husband and wife and walking down the aisle at the end of your wedding.  Other times, these events are special everyday happenings like a hug from your two year old at just the right time.  Finally, sometimes, you can feel the best feeling in the world from itsy bitsy happenings...like last night.  No...not that.  I'm talking about when you wake up feeling so exhausted and lay there thinking about how dreadful the thought of getting out of bed is, only to glance at the clock and realize it's only 1:30am and you get to go back to sleep.  At that moment, snuggling back in bed, I said to myself "Oh yeah, this is the best feeling in the world".  Yep, that was a very nice moment...Now all I have to do is train my mind to stop racing with all of the things I should do the next day, so that I can fall back to sleep in less than an hour.  Off the computer now, time to do some of those things I was thinking about at 2am.

Just out of curiosity and for fun...what gives you the best feeling in the world?  Write a comment!

Here are some more of mine: a toffee nut mocha latte - a shower with no interruptions - a piece of chocolate after a good meal - the feeling of clean sheets with just shaven legs - walking out of the salon with a haircut you love - paying off your car or credit card!

typical morning

Why is it that as soon as you tell someone your infant has been sleeping through the night for a month, that's the first night in his life that the baby wakes up 3 times? My 3 month old put me through the ringer last night. Just as baby Mason and I returned to our deep sleep at about 6:30am, that's when the 2 year old pipes up... I hear, "want GOOOK" (gook is Will's word for milk - yes, he can say milk, but he prefers GOOK) and the bedroom door bangs open. I'm laying there, praying the baby doesn't wake up right across the hall, trying not to be upset that Will woke up an hour earlier than usual, wishing the coffee were made, wishing his diaper was changed, and that his breakfast plate and milk were magically ready - after that millisecond full of thoughts, I rocket out of bed - to prevent the first issue (Mason waking due to Will's morning excitement) from becoming reality. Walking past his bedroom, I also pray that his bed is dry and he didn't pee through his Pampers yet again - YES! One tiny victory, no sheets to wash this morning. Now, hurry to make breakfast before Mason's cry blasts on the monitor. I keep rushing to squeeze in a tiny breakfast for myself - got it! Rush more to maybe get the dishwasher unloaded, got it. Pour my coffee - just in time...now, feed the baby...more diapering...more dishes...call G'ma...fold laundry left out from last night... Holy hell...it's time for lunch and we're all still in pj's...I guess I'll blog about my morning while Will is enjoys his lunchtime gook.

blog WHAT!?

Hello Everyone...if anyone is actually out there! I'm a relatively new Stay at Home Mom and just decided to blog all of the uber-important things I have to say. I live in suburbia somewhere in Minnesota. Here, I do my best to juggle my husband, two little boys and a very loud beagle. In this little bloggy-deal, I'll share my most recent adventures, thoughts, problems or opinions. Feel free to comment and share as well...as long as you agree with me! :) ...now on to the first BLOG!