mommy-motions are getting to me

Yesterday morning, my sister-in-law was induced with her second babe.  She went VBAC, so it was a little scary for everyone...but I'm sure it was really scary for her.  She's cautious by nature, so I figured there would be a crucial point at which fear/pain would cause her to re-evaluate the decision and force her to choose her route all over again, and in the moment.  From what I know, this happened, and she kept on.  Kudos for keeping on.  Brave, right?!  Now, there was a time, not too long ago, where none of this would have been a big deal to me.  But, yesterday for some reason, I found myself never letting my phone out of sight.  Waiting for updates and texting them like I've never texted before.  Looking back on the last 24 hours, I feel like my mother-in-law, who is fairly open about having been somewhat neurotic at times about checking up on everyone.  Do I actually understand her a little bit now!?  Are we nuts or is this mild insanity just 'mommy-motion' taking over us?  I mean, I felt like I desperately wanted to know what was going on and I am 300 miles away.  Ridiculous, right!?  She progressed slowly, so 'go time' came in the wee hours of morning today.  I'm kind of embarrassed to admit, but I had a hard time sleeping until I knew the whole ordeal was over.  Now, I knew that I cared about my sister-n-law, but geez, I couldn't sleep...I care more than I knew I did.  About 2.5 hours after 'go time', I got an update that the VBAC wasn't going to be a success.  Almost 24 hours in the hospital, hours of pushing, vacuums, etc - ending with another c-section.  I believe that all she wanted was to experience the somewhat natural path of childbirth and reap some of the benefits for her newborn...my sleepy heart actually sank a little when I heard she wouldn't be able to get what she'd hoped for.  I mean, you must really want it if you're willing to go that far, right?  But, when all was said and done, I think that mother, baby and dad were all doing just fine last I heard.  I actually felt relieved.  I'm proud of her for going the distance even if it didn't end how she'd hoped.  It's not often that I say I'm proud of someone...way to go, woman!  Thank God we're living in the time we do, that c-sections exist, and everyone is doing well. 

Now, why is this even a big deal for me?  Well, if you know me, you might know that I've been known to have a somewhat rough exterior.  I don't like to get too emotional or cry in front of anyone.  I don't like letting people know I care too much about anything personal.  I don't like it when I get the feeling that people are reaching out to find my soft side somewhere in there.  And for sure, I don't like asking for help and sometimes think that others shouldn't need the help they seek.  I suppose I'm an emotional introvert...is that possible?  "People do this stuff everyday," I'd say.  And they do.  But for some reason, I don't say that quite as much these days.  Is it hormones four months postpartum?  Is it simply that I'm finally growing up and feeling more empathy?  I think it's the mommy-motions; you know, the switch that God must flip in your brain when you become a mother and makes you see the world and people differently than you once had (aka: making you an emotional wimp! yeah, I'll admit it at this moment anyway).  Maybe it's a combo of everything, but man, whatever it is, it hit me hard this week. 

Some people reading this might be shocked (maybe you, mom...or not).  This is somewhat of a breakthrough/leap for me, simply admitting and writing it for the world to see.  Sometimes it's hard for me to be honest about it even if everyone else already knows, but this morning, I'm letting it flow.  Yep, somewhere inside me, I do care about people.  The Ice-Queen is slowly melting - one mushy experience after another...

PS - the baby girl was sunnyside up and weighed in at 9 pounds 10 ounces!  Nice baby-growing!

mommy-motions

Back in the day (not long ago, and still sometimes), I would never have asked for help.  Don't want to admit to even a moment of weakness or get emotional...pretty much ever.  But Tuesday got me.  It's been a mommy-motional week.  Yep, I had a mini breakdown.  Lets just say thank God my husband has the ability to work from home...

Jason left for work as usual.  I made breakfast for Will.  Nursed the baby.  Pumped the leftovers.  Then...it started...the whining, Mason crying and fighting sleep, the repetitive "I want ____'s" followed by a tantrum after every "no" response, the over full Pull-Up full of poop that skidded down Will's leg and all over the carpet, the barking dog, my stinking-not-showered-today arm pits and acne covered face...  Nothing out of the ordinary, but I just couldn't take it.  So, somehow, I allowed myself to pick up the phone and call my husband to ask him to come home before I locked the kids in their respective rooms for the remainder of the day.  Now, I'm happy for my moment of weakness and my new ability to ask for a little help.  It's funny now, but it wasn't on Tuesday.  Jason got home.  I got a shower and left the house to accomplish something from my checklist.

It felt good.
Thanks, Honey.

a new friend?! neato!

Why is it so hard to make a new friend?  It's just weird at first.  The whole remembering new names and then the small talk and finally the exchange of phone numbers - IF anyone is brave enough to bring it up.  Then, once that's over - someone has to actually use the number.  If that happens, then, schedules actually have to coordinate.  "Are the kids really sick?"  "Are errands really interfering?"  "They just don't see potential in us?"  I mean, all I want is someone who doesn't mind the dog, the mess, crying kids and who likes the occasional Oprah, or coffee, or walk to the park.  Hell, I'd settle for half of that list and a once-a-month walk to the park.  Not to discount any potential friendship, but at this point, I'd take just about anyone.  After moving twice in the last year and being at home all day everyday (grocery shopping or driving MN-SD has been my definition of 'outing' for the last year and friends!?  what friends!?), I'm getting sick of myself.  Today, on our walk (the boys and I), we met someone!  Wowee.  She even has that friend-ish potential.  I try not to get my hopes up, cause most of these initial meetings are not fruitful...but I can't help feeling a little giddy at the idea of a friend about my age, two toddlers (even if they are girls), who seems active and wasn't hesitant to cross the road to stop and say hi. Not to mention, she lives 2 doors down and is also a stay at home-er.  Now, I have also noticed several other moms at home playing outside during the day.  I'm bound to run into them sometime, however, I have noticed some seem scared - and I too, have done this.  You know, you see someone coming, who looks like you're on their agenda.  As they're about a half block away and you try to hurry inside while making it look as natural as possible to avoid the meeting for some dumb reason (like your bad hairday or lack of makeup).  Yes, I've done it - and am getting better at letting go of the ridiculousness.  So, I'm hoping to catch more 'friends' before they escape the initial meeting.  Maybe it's as simple as a wave, so they have to acknowledge your presence and intent to meet them before they escape!?  Yeah, I'll try the wave next time.  Like a net!  Ha!  I'll get 'em!  Until I've got a neighborhood buddy, I guess I'll get my butt out there and keep trying until I have a friend, damn it. 

Hmm - too aggressive?  scaring people off?  Well, I know sitting in my own yard hasn't worked.

"Hey Will, wanna go for a walk!?"